


Before the Sontaran Experiment

by pigeonking



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Comedy, Skit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-15
Updated: 2017-06-15
Packaged: 2018-11-14 10:20:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11206044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pigeonking/pseuds/pigeonking
Summary: This is a little skit that I wrote a few years ago just for fun during a period of illness. I don't know why it's taken so long for me to share it here. I hope you enjoy it! :)





	Before the Sontaran Experiment

The Sontaran officer Field Major Styre has been summoned to the command room of one of his superiors, the Marshall...

 

STYRE: You summoned, me sir?

 

MARSHALL: Ah, Styre. Punctual as always. At ease!

 

(In this case 'at ease' means that Styre can relax the rather stiff salute he is holding. Neither of the two Sontarans is sitting. There are no chairs to be sat on. They both just stand there, opposite each other; helmetless.)

 

MARSHALL: Have you been given any idea as to why I have sent for you, Styre?

 

STYRE: I work in intelligence, Marshall. I trust that whatever you require of me involves finding new ways of efficiently obliterating the Rutan thorn that has blighted every Sontaran backside since time immemoriam. This is why we Sontarans prefer to stand as often as possible, lest we forget. A Sontaran who sits idly on his backside, risks driving the Rutan scum deeper into spaces where they do not belong.

 

MARSHALL: That's the spirit, Major! Spoken like a true Sontaran. I'm afraid, however, that it is not Rutans we require you're help in killing on this occasion.

 

STYRE: A new threat to the Sontaran Empire? I am honoured to be chosen for such a task. Whom do you require me to garner information on? Daleks? Cybermen? Zygons perhaps?

 

MARSHALL: Humans.

 

STYRE: I'm sorry, Marshall. I'm not sure I heard you correctly, but for a moment there I thought you said humans. Surely, you meant to say the Martians. Though they have grown soft of late, beneath their armour there still beats the heart of true warriors.

 

MARSHALL: No, Styre. I did say humans.

 

STYRE: Oh. I see. Very well. What is it that you require of me?

 

MARSHALL: What can you tell me of the human planet of origin?

 

STYRE: Sol 3, Marshall. Known to the humans by the name of Earth. It is my understanding that it has been unpopulated by any humanoid life for thousands of years, due to devastation by a solar flare storm. The humans were able to predict the catastrophe, but not prevent it. As such the humans made a mass exodus from the Earth with the intention of colonising other planets. There were rumours that some humans were reluctant to leave the Earth entirely and elected to stay behind; living in suspended animation in a space Ark in an orbit around the Earth. Their goal I believe was to wake up and repopulate the world once the danger had passed and had once more become habitable.

 

MARSHALL: Very good, Styre. You do know that the Ark is a myth?

 

STYRE: That I was not aware of. What evidence do we have to support this hypothesis?

 

MARSHALL: We have been monitoring the Earth over the last few thousand years, since the mass exodus and the solar flares. Just in case it should ever gain any strategic importance in our ongoing war effort against the Rutans. You know how advanced our Sontaran deep space recon drones are. I doubt that a species as primitive as the humans could have developed a cloaking technology that could fool them!!!

 

(Both Sontarans laugh heartily in agreement.)

 

STYRE: With respect, Marshall. You still haven't told me where I come into this. If the Earth is uninhabited, surely it is ripe for the taking should we ever need it?

 

MARSHALL: Very true. The Earth is in the perfect condition to be invaded now and we would meet no resistance whatsoever. (PAUSE) Therein lays the problem.

 

STYRE: I'm not sure I follow, sir?

 

MARSHALL: (To himself) Poor fellow has been away from the field too long.

 

STYRE: Sorry, sir? Are you impugning my honour? Do you doubt my warrior credentials?

 

MARSHALL: My dear, Styre. If I had any doubts about your commitment as a loyal Sontaran or about your thirst for killing you would not be here; but you cannot deny that it has been a while since you tasted blood on the battlefield.

 

STYRE: I do as I am ordered. Regrettably my work in intelligence takes me further from the frontline than I would like.

 

MARSHALL: Spoken like a true Sontaran! So you understand that we cannot take possession of the Earth in its current state.

 

STYRE: Where would be the battle glory?

 

MARSHALL: Exactly! There would be none. However, our probes have recently brought back reports that the Earth is once again capable of sustaining human life. If we have this intelligence then it is reasonable to assume that the humans may also be aware of this.

 

STYRE: A reasonable supposition. Some humans may decide to come back to repopulate their planet of origin.

 

MARSHALL: Precisely! This is where you come in!

 

STYRE: What do you require of me, Marshall? I am eager to serve the Sontaran Empire!!!

 

MARSHALL: Your mission, Styre, is to go to Earth and obtain a control group of humans by any means you see fit. We do not know how far humans have evolved, either physically or technologically since leaving Earth.

 

STYRE: We cannot be expected to keep tabs on everything, sir. There is a war going on!

 

MARSHALL: Indeed! Now there is every chance that the humans are still inferior to Sontarans in every way, as they have been in the past. However, we cannot assume this, therefore, we need you to assess how much a threat the humans may or may not pose to us since the last time we encountered them. We don't want to embarrass ourselves, do we?

 

STYRE: Of course not, sir. Sontaran honour and reputation must be maintained. If by some freak chance we were defeated by these humans, it would be thousands of years before the Rutans would allow us to forget it.

 

MARSHALL: I see you understand the importance of your mission.

 

STYRE: I do, sir! How many Sontaran warriors will I have under my command?

 

(The Marshall begins to laugh inexplicably. Styre's first instinct is to laugh along, but his laughter subsides long before the Marshall's, who only manages to control himself when he finally catches Styre glaring at him.)

 

STYRE: I did not realise my enquiry would inspire such amusement from you, Marshall.

 

MARSHALL: Forgive me, Major, but you must understand that we cannot spare warriors for a mission such as this. Their place is on the front line.

 

STYRE: Of course, Marshall. Forgive my momentary ignorance.

 

MARSHALL: There is nothing to forgive. It provided us with a moment of amusement did it not?

 

STYRE: I trust you must have something else in mind? Surely you do not expect me to evaluate an entire species by myself?

 

MARSHALL: You doubt your ability, Styre? Perhaps I have chosen the wrong Sontaran.

 

STYRE: I am more than up for the task, Marshall. I am honoured to be chosen for such a mission where so much responsibility rests upon my shoulders. I cannot deny disappointment that I will not have any good soldiers under my command.

 

MARSHALL: Understandable, Major. I promise you that should you complete this assignment satisfactorily, you will be well rewarded.

 

STYRE: (Excited.) Honour is its own reward, sir.

 

MARSHALL: True, nevertheless, if you serve me well on this mission then I promise you two hundred years service on the frontline with no less than four squadrons of cadets under your personal command. Your campaign of course would begin with the invasion of Earth, under my command.

 

STYRE: Marshall, you are too generous. Of course I will not fail you.

 

MARSHALL: I knew I had the right, Sontaran for the job. And Styre; you won't be working entirely on your own.

 

STYRE: Oh?

 

MARSHALL: The boffins in our robotics section have been working on a new field robot. They have completed the prototype and I thought that your mission might benefit from its use. You will find that it has already been installed upon your scout ship.

 

STYRE: Thank you, sir. I'm sure that the robot will serve my needs more than adequately.

 

MARSHALL: I can see that you understand the importance of your mission and that you are eager to depart. I have complete faith in you, Styre. You will not hear from me again until your experiments are completed. Take as long as you need; there's no rush. There may be the odd contact from someone in command very infrequently to check on your progress, but mostly you'll be left to your own devices.

 

STYRE: Very good, sir.

 

MARSHALL: Do you have any questions?

 

(Styre's silence is answer enough.)

 

MARSHALL: Excellent. Then you are dismissed. Onwards to victory!!!

 

STYRE: (Salutes stiffly.) To victory!!! (He turns on his heel and departs.)

 

MARSHALL: (Speaks into a Dictaphone.) A fine Sontaran. Victory and glory are assured. Shame they have to engineer those Intelligence fellows with those repulsive extra fingers. Still, five fingers or three; he was definitely a true Sontaran in every other way that matters. In the hands of Field Major Styre I am confident that this mission cannot possibly fail....

 

**NOT QUITE THE END....**

 


End file.
